I wanna know how it feels to have - PEACE. Peace, a word we use, a word we know, a word the entire universe wants to experience. But, we will not have or know true peace until Jesus comes to take us home or until He comes back. What a day that will be!! I find myself longing for it more and more.
The past few weeks my flesh has been raging war with me, more so than usual, or so it seems. Maybe I have just noticed it more, I don't know. Everyday, every minute, every second, if we think about it, we are battling. It feels like Satan is just flat out attacking me lately. I have had thoughts of "Am I truly saved?" "I say I am saved , but yet I say and do things that are so sinful", or "Look at how selfish I am, I should do more for others" and the questions go on. Thanks Satan for these thoughts, b/c you made me dwell on them and start doubting my salvation. I literally would be on the couch late at night, kids are asleep, hubby still at work, and begin to have anxiety and my mind would race. So, I would start answering the questions and Satan would still push me, throwing crazy thoughts out at me. I could feel my body start stressing, my breathing would get funny and I would feel tightness in my chest. I couldn't take it anymore, and I cried out to my Lord for Peace!!! I know, that I know, that I know that I am saved. As I look over my life I see where I have come and how Jesus has guided me. Because I sure would not be where I am in my life, if it wasn't for Jesus. I would not have the desire to read the Bible everyday and feel like a piece of me is missing when I don't read it. I would not want to pray or believe that God hears me when I pray if I wasn't saved. I would not have the urge to please God, but rather people if I wasn't saved. List goes on......... So, thank you Satan for pushing me closer to Jesus and to lean on Him and not myself.
Does this mean my battle is over, far from it. I am constantly learning how weak I am and how much I need my Jesus every day, every minute. I fail miserably. I don't measure up and never will, but thank you God for your mercy and grace, because I could never work enough for it and never will have to try. My flesh fights so hard for me to lose and so many times I give in. The world tells us it is okay to do this or that and to say this or that. I stumble everyday. I am talking the little things in life, or what we perceive to be "little", but sin is sin. It can be as "little" as not smiling at someone or acknowleding them, and I am so guilty of this. I can make excuses and do, but so guilty. My flesh wins often in this area. Then I have to ask for God's help and help me. Satan tells us to get revenge or we will show them up, we won't talk to them, that will really hurt them. Satan sits back and watches and laughs. Who is the one hurt in this? The other person? Nope. I have even let someone taking me off their friend list on facebook bother me and my first thought is "I will show them, next time I see them" then I think how silly is that. They are not "friends", they are more like aquaintances. These minor disturbances can lead to bigger problems in life. I could list many, many , many minor things in life but won't. You get the idea. None of this matters in the big picture. None of it. So, then our focus needs to stay on Jesus and heavenly matters, not earthly.
I realized to this morning that it has taken me almost 33 yrs to have this contentment in my life. I am content with my life and so thankful to Jesus for all He has blessed me with. I have finally come to a place in my life that I can honestly say that I don't care what others think of me or how I am living. I only have to answer to God, not man. People can talk and will talk about others and what they are doing or not doing. I use to feel like I had to keep up with other families. I went through a phase that I felt like we needed to move to a bigger home in "the" neighborhood, possibly even in another city. Deep down, I knew this was wrong. Brandon was ready to move to another city, all I had to say was "let's go." Which makes sense for us, since he works in Knoxville and he claims I am in Knoxville at least 4 days a week. HA!! But, a part of me felt like we needed the big house with all the amenities. But, I laid it all down and that soon passed. When you put your prioritites in place, none of the material stuff matters. Did I want to go back to work just to have a bigger house? No way!! Like the hubby said, "would it matter if we had a 10,000 sq. ft house?, we would all still be in the same room on top of each other." You know what, he is right. I like having my family close by and wouldn't trade those moments. I am content with our life and the choices we make, as hard as it is at times.
I have learned I don't have to have an LV bag or Gucci or whatever the latest trend is in fashion. I admit I like having this stuff and occasionally the hubby spoils me with things, but you know what, after awhile the newness and luster wears off, and then it is on to the next trend. I find myself wearing the same things over and over and you know, it is okay. Aren't you glad Jesus is not a trend and that He nevers gets old or out of date or out of style. I sure am. When you let Jesus be your contentment, all the things of this world take on a different meaning.
I will end my post with this song I heard while running this morning :
Sometimes I get weary from this life that I live It seems that peace is something I'll never find I try to lighten my load when all that I've got to show is seven hundred things on my mind Well, I'm seeing visions of a crystal clear river where sin's forgotten without a trace More than I've ever dreamed my eyes long to see the look of love on my Savior's face
I want to know how it feels To make my way down the streets of gold I want to know how it feels To have a talk with the saints of old I want to know what it's like To rest my feet by the River of Life I've heard of heaven and I know that it's real I want to know how it feels
I want to know how it feels!!!!!!!
Keira and Brock were on Fall Break one week, so we had some fun. We met a friend at Jumpity Jump one day, met the friend the next day at Dollywood. Brandon took off 3 days from work, since he finished a deadline and we took the kids to the zoo. It was a beautiful day and we had a good time! We enjoyed the weekend of family time!!
We attended open house at Keira's school one evening. Daddy was not able to go with us, as he was finishing up a deadline. Keira was thrilled to show us what she does at school and each center. Brock found some toys to play with, so he was very happy. I am glad that she loves school and is doing so well. Her first report card came home last week and I still can't believe my girl in is school full-time. So proud of her!!
My aunt gave us some tickets to the Shriner's Circus and Keira decided she did not want to go because of the clowns. Brock was excited about going. So, Grammie and I took him. He got a Lightning McQueen costume that afternoon and wore it the rest of the day, so cute! He wore it 3 days in a row! Brock rode on the elephant and I thought he would want me to ride, but he never asked, so I was okay with that. We had a great evening!
What a great time we had at the Corn Maze and Pumpkin Patch. It was a beautiful evening and daddy got to leave work early to go with us. Papaw and Mamaw came also and we had such fun! The kids loved the mega bouncing pillow, the slides, the little barrel train ride, and the hayride to the patch. Keira had a difficult time choosing a pumpkin as she looked for the "perfect" one. Brock, on the other hand, easy find for him. They couldn't wait to decorate outside with their findings. 
Saturday morning we headed to a local state park and took the kids on their first hike. We did one mile and they both loved it. We hope to continue this and get the kids doing more outside activites and this is something we can do the rest of our lives together, Lord willing. We hiked to a waterfall and the kids enjoyed exploring nature. Then, we had a picnic and played in the stream of rocks and water. Due to a lack of rain, not much water was present, but it didn't matter, the kids loved it anyway. Brock is the type of kids that if any, I mean any amount of water is around, he finds a way to get in it. Needless to say, both kids had to change clothes before getting in the vehicle. What a beautiful morning God gave us on this day.
Keira is loving kindergarten, even if it is making her tired. But, mommy likes the early bedtimes. Even though she has made new friends, one of the highlights of her days, is playing with her best friend Alyssa, who is in first grade at recess every day. She always talks about this. She still thinks boys are "yucky and gross", but when she was paired with Bo, I have known his mom most of my life, she didn't seem to think he was yucky. She really liked him :)
Keira loves her calss, loves PE, music, and pretty much all the specialty subject classes. She eats in the cafeteria every now and then, but takes her lunch moajority of the time. I use to put notes in her lunchbox until she asked me to stop doing that. Guess it embarrased her!
The other afternoon I went to our parent-teacher meeting and was surprised at how well she did on testing. I didn't know what I was expecting, but it just kinda shocked me a little how well she did. I know she is bright, but just didn't expect that. Thank goodness she seems to be taking after daddy in her academics. I did good in school, but daddy is the brain in this family. I was told she likes to talk, which was very surprising. Now, if it had been Brock, and I was told this by his teacher, no shock. But, her talking is not a big problem or disruption, and the teacher can "give her a look" as she told me and she gets the message. Guess she is use to the "look" she gets from me. Overall, a very good report and I pray she continues to do well.
We are pleased with her teacher, who is on top of everything, and keeps us posted as parents to classroom happenings and what the kids are learning. I like that she is firm with the kids and they have structure and routines. I am a firm believer that kids thrive on structure and routines. Kids want and need this in their lives for many reasons.
It is still hard for me some days to grasp that Keira is really in school every day, all day. I miss her so much and Brock really misses her. I am glad she loves school and so glad we decided to go ahead and send her this year.
My little man is loving preschool. He can't wait to go to "his school" as he says. I love that he likes it. Keira cried for 3 months when I left her at preschool, Brock only 2 days. What a differnece and makes it much easier on me. I had a hard time leaving Keira crying, even though I knew she would be fine. Brock is so funny and the teachers fill me in on the things he says at school. At the beginning of school, we would ask who he played with and he always answered "by myself", it was kinda sad. But, he has made friends now and talks about them more. He especially has taken notice of a girl named Hannah. He tells me he chases her on the playground. He loves his teachers and they are wonderful. Brock's lunch is terrible, just junk food, but that is all he will eat. I keep waiting for him to grow out of this stage and eat a variety of food, but he will not. He doesn't even like mac and cheese, potatoes, barely any chicken, pizza, and the list goes on........ 
This summer we were so blessed to be able to have Aunt Teresa be Keira's swim instructor. She was kind enough to give up her evening once a week to teach Keira. Brock didn't want any part of lessons, he was happy in his arm bands jumping in and swimming around. Funny thing is how much he learned just listening and watching. Occasionally, he would say "I want to do lessons", but not often. Also, 2 boys came and joined the class and I noticed how this helped Keira just by giving her a push to do her best. Maybe she will have my competitive side :)
My little man went to preschool on Aug 10, he will go on Tuesday and Thursdays. This will be very good for him. He is really attached to me and only wants me to do things for him. This can be good and bad, depending on the situation. I take him inside and he grabs my leg and will not let go. He starts crying and thankfully already having been through this with Keira, I knew what I had to do. Just leave. As hard as it is, you have to or you make it worse on all parties involved. As I walked outside by the window, I could hear him crying and saying "I want mommy" Broke my heart, I wanted to go get him, but knew better. So, I got in the car and left. The teachers later told me he only cried for a couple minutes and was fine. Relief! The next time he went, no tears. He did tell me "I will miss you" So sweet.....
On August 9, Daddy and I went with Keira to her first day of Kindergarten. We began in the gym with an orientation and next went to her classroom. I felt like I was signing my child away with all the paperwork. I struggled for sometime about sending her to school or not, especially with her birthday at the end of July. But, in all honesty I was being selfish, deep down I knew she was ready in all areas. Mommy just wanted to hold on for another year and not let go. I am proud of her and how far she has come the past year. She has went from a 3 yr old who cried for 3 months when I dropped her off at preschool 2 days a week and would not get on stage to perform at the end of the year to a child who loves school and happily and willingly performs on stages now. I would not have thought this a yr or so ago. My heart just beams when I see how she has "grown" up. She is still quiet and shy around new people, but she comes by it honest. I am the same way. 
Keira will be 5 on July 27th. We had a spa party at our house this past sat. 12 girls came and helped us celebrate by having their hair, make-up, nails, and jewelry done. We had a blast!! All the girls are so sweet and they seemed to enjoy all the pampering. Keira was so thrilled with everything. I can't say enough about my family that helped out, without them, this party wouldn't have been possible. They gave up a Saturday to come and help us out. We are so blessed!! So many good memories of this party and I hope Keira never forgets it. 
