I wanna know how it feels.....

I wanna know how it feels to have - PEACE. Peace, a word we use, a word we know, a word the entire universe wants to experience. But, we will not have or know true peace until Jesus comes to take us home or until He comes back. What a day that will be!! I find myself longing for it more and more. The past few weeks my flesh has been raging war with me, more so than usual, or so it seems. Maybe I have just noticed it more, I don't know. Everyday, every minute, every second, if we think about it, we are battling. It feels like Satan is just flat out attacking me lately. I have had thoughts of "Am I truly saved?" "I say I am saved , but yet I say and do things that are so sinful", or "Look at how selfish I am, I should do more for others" and the questions go on. Thanks Satan for these thoughts, b/c you made me dwell on them and start doubting my salvation. I literally would be on the couch late at night, kids are asleep, hubby still at work, and begin to have anxiety and my mind would race. So, I would start answering the questions and Satan would still push me, throwing crazy thoughts out at me. I could feel my body start stressing, my breathing would get funny and I would feel tightness in my chest. I couldn't take it anymore, and I cried out to my Lord for Peace!!! I know, that I know, that I know that I am saved. As I look over my life I see where I have come and how Jesus has guided me. Because I sure would not be where I am in my life, if it wasn't for Jesus. I would not have the desire to read the Bible everyday and feel like a piece of me is missing when I don't read it. I would not want to pray or believe that God hears me when I pray if I wasn't saved. I would not have the urge to please God, but rather people if I wasn't saved. List goes on......... So, thank you Satan for pushing me closer to Jesus and to lean on Him and not myself. Does this mean my battle is over, far from it. I am constantly learning how weak I am and how much I need my Jesus every day, every minute. I fail miserably. I don't measure up and never will, but thank you God for your mercy and grace, because I could never work enough for it and never will have to try. My flesh fights so hard for me to lose and so many times I give in. The world tells us it is okay to do this or that and to say this or that. I stumble everyday. I am talking the little things in life, or what we perceive to be "little", but sin is sin. It can be as "little" as not smiling at someone or acknowleding them, and I am so guilty of this. I can make excuses and do, but so guilty. My flesh wins often in this area. Then I have to ask for God's help and help me. Satan tells us to get revenge or we will show them up, we won't talk to them, that will really hurt them. Satan sits back and watches and laughs. Who is the one hurt in this? The other person? Nope. I have even let someone taking me off their friend list on facebook bother me and my first thought is "I will show them, next time I see them" then I think how silly is that. They are not "friends", they are more like aquaintances. These minor disturbances can lead to bigger problems in life. I could list many, many , many minor things in life but won't. You get the idea. None of this matters in the big picture. None of it. So, then our focus needs to stay on Jesus and heavenly matters, not earthly. I realized to this morning that it has taken me almost 33 yrs to have this contentment in my life. I am content with my life and so thankful to Jesus for all He has blessed me with. I have finally come to a place in my life that I can honestly say that I don't care what others think of me or how I am living. I only have to answer to God, not man. People can talk and will talk about others and what they are doing or not doing. I use to feel like I had to keep up with other families. I went through a phase that I felt like we needed to move to a bigger home in "the" neighborhood, possibly even in another city. Deep down, I knew this was wrong. Brandon was ready to move to another city, all I had to say was "let's go." Which makes sense for us, since he works in Knoxville and he claims I am in Knoxville at least 4 days a week. HA!! But, a part of me felt like we needed the big house with all the amenities. But, I laid it all down and that soon passed. When you put your prioritites in place, none of the material stuff matters. Did I want to go back to work just to have a bigger house? No way!! Like the hubby said, "would it matter if we had a 10,000 sq. ft house?, we would all still be in the same room on top of each other." You know what, he is right. I like having my family close by and wouldn't trade those moments. I am content with our life and the choices we make, as hard as it is at times. I have learned I don't have to have an LV bag or Gucci or whatever the latest trend is in fashion. I admit I like having this stuff and occasionally the hubby spoils me with things, but you know what, after awhile the newness and luster wears off, and then it is on to the next trend. I find myself wearing the same things over and over and you know, it is okay. Aren't you glad Jesus is not a trend and that He nevers gets old or out of date or out of style. I sure am. When you let Jesus be your contentment, all the things of this world take on a different meaning. I will end my post with this song I heard while running this morning : Sometimes I get weary from this life that I live It seems that peace is something I'll never find I try to lighten my load when all that I've got to show is seven hundred things on my mind Well, I'm seeing visions of a crystal clear river where sin's forgotten without a trace More than I've ever dreamed my eyes long to see the look of love on my Savior's face I want to know how it feels To make my way down the streets of gold I want to know how it feels To have a talk with the saints of old I want to know what it's like To rest my feet by the River of Life I've heard of heaven and I know that it's real I want to know how it feels I want to know how it feels!!!!!!!