Memorial Day Weekend

We had a great Memorial Day weekend! Friday, we went to Dollywood and Saturday we spent the day at the lake and then Sunday, after church, we went to the pool at my cousin house.  The kids are water dogs and love it!!

First Dollywood Trip of the season

Brock got bumped up to orange for the rides.  He was so excited, since this allowed him to ride new rides.

Our drivers

Little man and I on the elephant ride.  Can't you tell he was thrilled about picture taking?  HA!!

We finally made it to Dollywood and got our season passes renewed.  It is always a chore to get the hubby to go, he really doesn't like this much, but since the kids love it, he does go most of the time with us.  We rode some new rides this time since both kids got bumped up on the height requirement for the rides. We stayed most of the day and Brock went to sleep at 5:30 and slept till 6 the next morning. 

tball

Keira and Brock played tball for a few weeks at Luminary Church.  This is a great experience for the kids and we have enjoyed this so much.  The church does all this for free and the games are saturday mornings.  I love the fact that the season is short and we are not at a ballfield often.  Just the right amount for this age.  Brock was not going to play and going to the first game he changed his mind.  So glad he did, because he had a blast.  He would ask during the week when the next game was.  He stayed on the ground most of the time and really went after the ball.  At first, he was upset that he didn't get the ball each time.  We told him he had to let others have turns.   Keira enjoyed playing, but had a bad attitude the last game.  I told her she had to let other kids get the ball and she got upset, even crying.  She missed part of the game b/c of this.  But, she got over it and played and had a great time.  The church got the kids medals and of course my 2 were thrilled. 

Preschool Program

Brock's first year of preschool has come and gone.  He attended a local church 2x a week and loved it.  This was good for him, especially as attached as he is to me.  The kids sang a few songs and we watched a slideshow and then the kids moving on to kindergarten received certificates.  Brock will be going back next yr and will move up to the 4 and 5yr old room.

Spring Recital 2011

Keira performed with her ballet and tap classes this weekend in the spring show.  She loves dance!!  She is in Level II classes now and just enjoys this so much.  I am always amazed at how these dancers go from their small studio to our local community college's theater and it all comes together so well.  They only practiced at the theater 3 times before the shows.  Keira performed saturday evening and then again sunday afternoon.  She never seems to be tired of it.  I work backstage once and then watch one time.  I love to see her little face smiling as she dances.  We have so much talent in our small town and you never realize it until you go to these shows.  These girls should be proud, from the Level I classes to the adult classes. We have great teachers and leaders at arts in motion.   Keira has already mentioned that she wants to take more classes next fall, including hip hop, jazz, and modern.  We will have to see about that.  She loves basketball and that might be too much to juggle.  I never want to overload my kids with activities and will never push them to do things.  So.........wait and see is all we can do right now.

Brock's new hair cut

  Brock has been wanting his hair to be spiked.  His little friend at preschool spikes his and Brock thinks it is cool.  So, this past Thursday I took him for a cut and this is what we ended up with.  While getting his hair cut, he told us he wanted "one big spike", meaning a mohawk.  I shot that down real quick.  He kept insisting, and I kept saying "no."    I love his new look!! 

Mother's Day 2011

Tomorrow will be a week since we found out we lost the baby for certain.  Physically, I am so ready to get this over with.  I wish I had went ahead and had the d&c last Tuesday, instead of putting it off.  Can't go back now.  I have been afraid to leave the house much, not knowing when the miscarriage could hit.  My first one came on suddenly, but this time it has been different.  Thursday, I slowly began the process of a miscarriage but have not completed it yet.  I am just so ready to have this part finished!  Maybe too much info for some of you, but hey, it is life. Sorry.

Emotionally, I have been a wreck.  I am up and down, mostly down.  I don't think I can describe what I feel, I just feel "blue" most of the time.  Like a piece of my heart has been taken from me and I know I will never get it back.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I have 2 babies in heaven.  Just doesn't seem real to me.  Tears come everytime I think about it.  I don't know if this is what the beginning of being depressed feels like, but it is awful.  I have never felt this way in my life.  I can't imagine struggling with depression as some people do.  I can't help but wonder the sex of my babies and if they would have looked like Keira and Brock, etc.  I can't help but think that I would have been 12 weeks this weekend and clearing that first trimester.  I know I am going to be fine, but right now, I just have to sort all this out and let God help me heal.   Poor Brandon has been so supportive and admits he doesn't understand and I don't expect him to, I don't think men can or should be expected too.  He has not told me to get over it or that I should be fine, etc.  He has just been loving and patient with me.  I am blessed!

Mother's Day was today and I am so blessed to have my 2 precious gifts that God gave to us.  Keira and Brock have been such joys in our lives.  They couldn't wait to give me their gifts, a new cd and a John MacArthur book.  Love their hearts!  They have been such a comfort this past week to me, they love on me and tell me that I am the best mommy in the world.  I just thank God for them and how blessed we are. 

I have been blessed by so many emails from women sharing their own personal stories with me about their miscarriages and loss. Many friends have offered their help in anyway - from bringing food over, watching the kids, to taking Keira to dance rehearsals next week. Can't thank them enough.  Many women have gone thru this and still have that sense of loss and can recall the hurt, even from 30 yrs ago.  Some suffered one loss, some suffered 3, some suffered with more physical problems than just the miscarriage, but we all share the same hurts.  Thursday, my sweet mother-in-love took me to pre-register for my surgery and the anethesiologist (spelling??) came and talked to me.  She must have felt really at ease with us as she began to open up about her 3 miscarriages and having a d&c.  Tears came to her eyes, which got me to almost crying.  She said it is something that is not discussed or dealt with by women and it is just crappy to endure.  She was trying to comfort me and reassure me that everything will be fine.  Before she left, she gave me and my mother-in-love hugs.  It has been amazing at how many women go through this experience.

I have blessed in so many ways this week and I must focus on that.   Psalm 18:19  He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me , because He delighted in me.

Another loss

We are experiencing our 2nd loss of a baby.  I miscarried in January and have now lost our 2nd baby.  That was one of the worst feelings in my life when I looked at the ultrasound and saw no heartbeat.  I thought I was 8-9 wks along on our second ultrasound, but the baby was only measuring at 6 wks.  The dr. said we could wait another week and we both wanted to wait.  We could not go ahead with a d&c without being 100% certain that this baby was gone.  So, we waited another week and on Monday we did another ultrasound and no heartbeat and that baby had stopped growing.  I was just heartbroken.  A part of me went in expecting to see a heartbeat and a part of me knew that this was the end.  I know and believe God could have changed this outcome, but obviously this was not His plan.  I looked at Brandon when the ultrasound tech left and all I could say was, "I can't believe this is happening again."  We talked to the dr. and decided to do the d&c, scheduled a week away, b/c I wanted to go to Keira's little art show at school and we have dance , etc.  But, I wish I had gone ahead and had it done yesterday morning, instead of waiting a week.  We told the kids the baby has gone to heaven, they are fine, as kids just have that way about them.  They have asked questions the past couple days, like "why did you lose the baby", etc.  The only answer I can give them is that God said it was time for that baby to go to heaven.  They want to know if we will see that baby and yes, we will one day.  Keira asked me last night if God was going to give us back the baby.  I had to tell her "No."  I go from being ok to just wanting to cry my eyes out.  If I was able to run, I think I would run until I just couldn't anymore.  At times, I want to hit something, scream, or just crawl in bed and not get out.  I don't know how I would have responded if I was not already blessed with Keira and Brock, it would be easy to become depressed. But, thankfully I know and trust that this is God's plan, not mine.  I trust that He will get glory out of our loss.  I don't understand it and never will this side of eternity.  I do praise Him for allowing me to have the opportunity to have these 2 other babies, if only for a short time.  Even though I feel like a piece of my heart has been taken, I can rejoice knowing they are with Jesus and as my sweet hubby prayed as we got in the car, after leaving the dr. that they will never suffer, never experience anything but joy, no tears, no hurt, no suffering in this world.  Brandon prayed exactly how we both feel, even though I could hardly get words out at that time due to crying. 
I do realize people go thru much more suffering than we are currently and my thoughts always go to my friends who have lost children of their own, not thru a miscarriage, but actually having that child in your life and that blessing goes on to heaven.  Doesn't matter if they were 3 months old, or in their 20's, I only have experienced a glimpse of what parents go thru in that type of loss. My heart goes to them.
My hurts will heal with time and I hope other women who experience a miscarriage can find comfort, hope, peace, and love in Jesus. 

Easter 2011

Our family had such a wonderful Easter sunday.  We went to church and our church did th elife of Jesus thru song and scripture.  We are so blessed to have so many amazing singers in our small church.  It is always great to see Papaw in the choir and leading the congregation, means he feels good enough to participate.  We then went to Papaw and Mamaw house and all the Ray family came.  We had a great lunch and then had our annual egg toss, egg hunt, and just good ole fun.  The kids got some silly string in their baskets and they loved it. Thet wanted more!!

Our kids know the truth about the easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc. and Keira came home telling me she had told kids at school the truth.  We had told her before not to say anything to other kids, b/c their parents may want them to believe these stories.  She didn't understand why she shouldn't tell and we explained best we could.  Had to laugh though!!  Maybe some people think we are in the wrong, but my kids could care less and they still can't wait to see their gifts in their baskets, etc.  I was torn about this decision, but when you think of it in terms of we try to teach our kids not to lie, to know what truth is, etc. then it all makes sense.  As they get older, might they think Jesus is a made up story, since we can't see Him with our own eyes? Will they think we lied to them about Him allt heir lives, if we lied about the Easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc?  Don't know the answer, and the hubby and I grew up believing this stuff and it didn't harm our views of Jesus. Dr. James Dobson doesn't see any problems with letting kids think it is real, but it just comes down to personal choice.  My kids had such a fear of characters and anything in costume, that it was a big relief for them to know the truth.  Keira was thrilled about the tooth fairy being us and she still likes the money under the pillow. Overall, when you think of the stories of all these holidays, it really is crazy to think some bunny goes around leaving gifts, etc.  Or maybe our family is just narrow minded.....................well, I wouldn't change it, b/c the Bible is narrow minded and I sure don't want our family to be like this world.  I heard a preacher say recently, "All paths might lead to heaven (as the world tells us), but only one path leads to eternal life." Amen.

Easter weekend

After school Thursday, we went with Papaw and Mamaw to the Dixie Stampede.  No pictures, forgot my camera.  We had a good time and the kids love the show.  Brock's face was priceless.  This was our 3rd time going and Brock had asked all day if he could chase the chickens.  Mamaw talked to our server and she went to see about it, but the other server already had kids picked out.  Brock and Keira were next in line if anyone backed out.  When the time came, I thought Brock was going to cry b/c he didn't get picked.   Friday we chilled at home and colored eggs.

On saturday, Keira got to attend an egg hunt at a friend's house and she had a blast and then she had a skating birthday party for another friend.  Daddy and Brock got to enjoy a lot of time together.

Easter with the Mullins Family

Sunday after church we went to my aunt Pat's house to celebrate Easter with the family.  The kids always have a blast with their cousins as they are all close in age.  Hard to believe that yrs ago this was the same scene with me and my cousins and now here we all are, grown up, with kids of our own.  Time flies!  We had a great meal prepared by my aunts and the kids played and played.  They hunted eggs a few times and found prize eggs.  Each kid received a basket with goodies that my aunts had prepared.  So much chocolate - guess I will have to help my kids with that.  The weather was perfect and it was nice to sit back and relax and enjoy the day.

Legacy

I love the song "Legacy" by Nicole Nordeman. In the past few weeks the thought occured to me this could be my theme song as a mother. What kind of legacy am I leaving for my children? What am I showing them day to day? What am I teaching them? Am I doing this or that enough? If I die today, what kind of legacy have I left for my children? The most important question, to me, is am I pointing to God enough, am I showing them, talking to them about Jesus enough?????????
The little things in life are important in life. Those little lessons that we take for granted or assume our children just know. We shouldn't assume they know anything, how can they, if they are not taught. Something that just irritates me is in Turkey Creek, a shopping place in Knoxville, that 8 out of 10 times will happen to me, is the 4 way intersection beside Chick-fil-a. It only has 2 stop signs, yet people make it a 4 way stop. Drives me nuts! Is it that hard to read traffic signs? Obviously, it is at this intersection. So, I could keep ranting, but I will go on. Normally, I let my tongue fly and say things : "Come on lady, what are you doing?" etc. in a not so nice tone. I hadn't put much thought into this, until my 3 yr old busts out in a drive-thru yelling for the car in front of us "go on" in his not so nice tone. I quickly realized my little sponges are soaking up ALL my actions and words. I said something to him and realized I must learn patience at this intersection as my children are learning quickly it is okay to yell or get annoyed with people over something so unimportant, no matter how ridiculous I think it is that people cannot follow traffic signs :) What kind of legacy am I leaving????

 I must realize that every single thing I do and say, my children are picking up and will use it in their lives. So, I must be on guard that I am teaching them about Jesus and what He wants us to do. Not what my flesh desires to do, but what Jesus wants us to do. Am I loving Him enough and pointing to Him??

 "Legacy"
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me And I enjoy an accolade like the rest You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl' But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides The temporary trappings of this world I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically And leave that kind of legacy I don't have to look too far or too long awhile To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one... What kind of legacy are you leaving.............

Beauty Shop

One of the best toys we ever got Keira was her beauty shop. She loves it and even uses it in the mornings to do her hair. From time to time, she recruits Brock to be her customer and he happily obliges. They actually put water in the sink this time and he had to dip his head in the sink. He just sits and lets her do whatever! My turn came and Brock wanted to help, but boss lady would not let him. She likes to be in charge and poor little brother is usually the one who has to hear it. Needless to say, my session did not last long as I informed her that Brock could help.

Fun with Daddy

This past weekend, we were all so excited that daddy got the weekend off. This rarely happens in tax season and we enjoyed being together as a family. We were blessed with beautiful, warm weather and took advantage of it. After daddy mowed, the kids played some football with him. He told me that while he was mowing, Brock was walking around holding the football and looking at him. We enjoyed the evening by going out to dinner and shopping a little. We went to the bookstore and I am so glad my kids are showing interest in reading. Now that Keira is reading, we found her some books just for her to read and she was excited. I am amazed at how well she is doing. I still think of her like she should still be 4yrs old, and here we are approaching 6! She has grown up so much during kindergarten and makes me sad in a way. My baby isn't much of a baby anymore.