Mother's Day 2011

Tomorrow will be a week since we found out we lost the baby for certain.  Physically, I am so ready to get this over with.  I wish I had went ahead and had the d&c last Tuesday, instead of putting it off.  Can't go back now.  I have been afraid to leave the house much, not knowing when the miscarriage could hit.  My first one came on suddenly, but this time it has been different.  Thursday, I slowly began the process of a miscarriage but have not completed it yet.  I am just so ready to have this part finished!  Maybe too much info for some of you, but hey, it is life. Sorry.

Emotionally, I have been a wreck.  I am up and down, mostly down.  I don't think I can describe what I feel, I just feel "blue" most of the time.  Like a piece of my heart has been taken from me and I know I will never get it back.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I have 2 babies in heaven.  Just doesn't seem real to me.  Tears come everytime I think about it.  I don't know if this is what the beginning of being depressed feels like, but it is awful.  I have never felt this way in my life.  I can't imagine struggling with depression as some people do.  I can't help but wonder the sex of my babies and if they would have looked like Keira and Brock, etc.  I can't help but think that I would have been 12 weeks this weekend and clearing that first trimester.  I know I am going to be fine, but right now, I just have to sort all this out and let God help me heal.   Poor Brandon has been so supportive and admits he doesn't understand and I don't expect him to, I don't think men can or should be expected too.  He has not told me to get over it or that I should be fine, etc.  He has just been loving and patient with me.  I am blessed!

Mother's Day was today and I am so blessed to have my 2 precious gifts that God gave to us.  Keira and Brock have been such joys in our lives.  They couldn't wait to give me their gifts, a new cd and a John MacArthur book.  Love their hearts!  They have been such a comfort this past week to me, they love on me and tell me that I am the best mommy in the world.  I just thank God for them and how blessed we are. 

I have been blessed by so many emails from women sharing their own personal stories with me about their miscarriages and loss. Many friends have offered their help in anyway - from bringing food over, watching the kids, to taking Keira to dance rehearsals next week. Can't thank them enough.  Many women have gone thru this and still have that sense of loss and can recall the hurt, even from 30 yrs ago.  Some suffered one loss, some suffered 3, some suffered with more physical problems than just the miscarriage, but we all share the same hurts.  Thursday, my sweet mother-in-love took me to pre-register for my surgery and the anethesiologist (spelling??) came and talked to me.  She must have felt really at ease with us as she began to open up about her 3 miscarriages and having a d&c.  Tears came to her eyes, which got me to almost crying.  She said it is something that is not discussed or dealt with by women and it is just crappy to endure.  She was trying to comfort me and reassure me that everything will be fine.  Before she left, she gave me and my mother-in-love hugs.  It has been amazing at how many women go through this experience.

I have blessed in so many ways this week and I must focus on that.   Psalm 18:19  He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me , because He delighted in me.