The fight is over.......

I went to bed after 10 last night and at 10:45 Brandon came into the room, I must have already dozed off b/c I am thinking what is he doing? since I had not heard the phone ring. He said "Can you talk to your dad?" Well, then I knew what was going on. I wanted to say "No", "I don't want to hear that mamaw is gone, that I will not see her tomorrow" A lump came to my throat and I took the phone and walked to the living room. I could barely speak - my dad was even worse, it was all he could do to get it out and then he asks me to call my brother. Her battle is over - our battle is just beginning. My thoughts went to my grandfather - Had they told him yet? Would they let him rest through the night and tell him in the morning? I couldn't sleep, I stayed up awhile and then went back to bed. Still sleep wouldn't come, only the tears. My mind was racing and thoughts of mamaw and papaw consumed me. My grandfather wanted to be there when she went- he felt strongly about that, what will this do to him, I wondered? Death is such a hard thing to watch, and you cannot be prepared even when you think you are. I am so glad I was able to spend 4 hours at the hospital yesterday afternoon with her. My brother and I went over at noon and she was sleeping. She awoke and stayed awake quite some time. Trying to talk to us and we would stroke her hair and tell her to rest and that we loved her. My grandfather was the only other one present at this time and we alternated turns sitting and holding her hand. As my grandfather sat and held her hand, I sat back and observed. 60 something yrs of marriage was coming to an end. How sad!! He sang "Amazing Grace" to her and talked and talked. He told her she had led him to Christ and got him going to church. That he would see her again in heaven. He told her how much he loved her. He told her that her babies are here (my brother and I) What a sight to behold! I sat and prayed for the Lord to please take her home, to end her suffering, to end this pain. But, last night I selfishly wanted to take back that prayer, please let her stay one more day, let my grandfather have more time, etc. Selfish, selfish. My head knows she is better off, but my heart doesn't want to let her go. She went back to sleep after papaw calmed her and then I got to hold her hand. Papaw sat down and I said" Why don't you take a nap, we aren't going anywhere" Of course he replies"No, I can't sleep" It wasn't much longer that my brother looked and papaw was out. He is so tired!! I sat trying to take in every detail of my mamaws' hands and face. Her hands are so smooth and soft, red polish has faded away, her grip isn't as tight, and her hands are beginning to feel cold. Haven't noticed that this week before. If I moved my hand slightly, she would tighten up some. I studied her beustiful face - to be 82, 2 months shy of 83, she sure doesn't have wrinkles. She has smooth cheeks, a smooth forehead, no wrinkles on them at all. I hope I take after her :) The only lines I see are a few around her eyes, nothing big, just some fine lines. Beautiful!! My sweet grandmother! I love you! when she woke up, I would talk to her and tell her how much I love her, to rest, and that it's okay. She would drift back to sleep. I eventually let my brother have my seat, I didn't want to - I never wanted to let go of that hand, a part of me actually thougth about crawling up in the bed to hold her, or was it that I wanted her to hold me and tell me it wa okay, she was ready to see Jesus. I don't know, I just know no matter what, death is not easy. Blogging must be some kind of outlet for me, it always helps to write things out. I coud write and write this morning, but won't go continue. Please lift my family up in prayer, especially my grandfather. Love to you all!!!