Memorial Day Weekend

We had a great Memorial Day weekend! Friday, we went to Dollywood and Saturday we spent the day at the lake and then Sunday, after church, we went to the pool at my cousin house.  The kids are water dogs and love it!!

First Dollywood Trip of the season

Brock got bumped up to orange for the rides.  He was so excited, since this allowed him to ride new rides.

Our drivers

Little man and I on the elephant ride.  Can't you tell he was thrilled about picture taking?  HA!!

We finally made it to Dollywood and got our season passes renewed.  It is always a chore to get the hubby to go, he really doesn't like this much, but since the kids love it, he does go most of the time with us.  We rode some new rides this time since both kids got bumped up on the height requirement for the rides. We stayed most of the day and Brock went to sleep at 5:30 and slept till 6 the next morning. 

tball

Keira and Brock played tball for a few weeks at Luminary Church.  This is a great experience for the kids and we have enjoyed this so much.  The church does all this for free and the games are saturday mornings.  I love the fact that the season is short and we are not at a ballfield often.  Just the right amount for this age.  Brock was not going to play and going to the first game he changed his mind.  So glad he did, because he had a blast.  He would ask during the week when the next game was.  He stayed on the ground most of the time and really went after the ball.  At first, he was upset that he didn't get the ball each time.  We told him he had to let others have turns.   Keira enjoyed playing, but had a bad attitude the last game.  I told her she had to let other kids get the ball and she got upset, even crying.  She missed part of the game b/c of this.  But, she got over it and played and had a great time.  The church got the kids medals and of course my 2 were thrilled. 

Preschool Program

Brock's first year of preschool has come and gone.  He attended a local church 2x a week and loved it.  This was good for him, especially as attached as he is to me.  The kids sang a few songs and we watched a slideshow and then the kids moving on to kindergarten received certificates.  Brock will be going back next yr and will move up to the 4 and 5yr old room.

Spring Recital 2011

Keira performed with her ballet and tap classes this weekend in the spring show.  She loves dance!!  She is in Level II classes now and just enjoys this so much.  I am always amazed at how these dancers go from their small studio to our local community college's theater and it all comes together so well.  They only practiced at the theater 3 times before the shows.  Keira performed saturday evening and then again sunday afternoon.  She never seems to be tired of it.  I work backstage once and then watch one time.  I love to see her little face smiling as she dances.  We have so much talent in our small town and you never realize it until you go to these shows.  These girls should be proud, from the Level I classes to the adult classes. We have great teachers and leaders at arts in motion.   Keira has already mentioned that she wants to take more classes next fall, including hip hop, jazz, and modern.  We will have to see about that.  She loves basketball and that might be too much to juggle.  I never want to overload my kids with activities and will never push them to do things.  So.........wait and see is all we can do right now.

Brock's new hair cut

  Brock has been wanting his hair to be spiked.  His little friend at preschool spikes his and Brock thinks it is cool.  So, this past Thursday I took him for a cut and this is what we ended up with.  While getting his hair cut, he told us he wanted "one big spike", meaning a mohawk.  I shot that down real quick.  He kept insisting, and I kept saying "no."    I love his new look!! 

Mother's Day 2011

Tomorrow will be a week since we found out we lost the baby for certain.  Physically, I am so ready to get this over with.  I wish I had went ahead and had the d&c last Tuesday, instead of putting it off.  Can't go back now.  I have been afraid to leave the house much, not knowing when the miscarriage could hit.  My first one came on suddenly, but this time it has been different.  Thursday, I slowly began the process of a miscarriage but have not completed it yet.  I am just so ready to have this part finished!  Maybe too much info for some of you, but hey, it is life. Sorry.

Emotionally, I have been a wreck.  I am up and down, mostly down.  I don't think I can describe what I feel, I just feel "blue" most of the time.  Like a piece of my heart has been taken from me and I know I will never get it back.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I have 2 babies in heaven.  Just doesn't seem real to me.  Tears come everytime I think about it.  I don't know if this is what the beginning of being depressed feels like, but it is awful.  I have never felt this way in my life.  I can't imagine struggling with depression as some people do.  I can't help but wonder the sex of my babies and if they would have looked like Keira and Brock, etc.  I can't help but think that I would have been 12 weeks this weekend and clearing that first trimester.  I know I am going to be fine, but right now, I just have to sort all this out and let God help me heal.   Poor Brandon has been so supportive and admits he doesn't understand and I don't expect him to, I don't think men can or should be expected too.  He has not told me to get over it or that I should be fine, etc.  He has just been loving and patient with me.  I am blessed!

Mother's Day was today and I am so blessed to have my 2 precious gifts that God gave to us.  Keira and Brock have been such joys in our lives.  They couldn't wait to give me their gifts, a new cd and a John MacArthur book.  Love their hearts!  They have been such a comfort this past week to me, they love on me and tell me that I am the best mommy in the world.  I just thank God for them and how blessed we are. 

I have been blessed by so many emails from women sharing their own personal stories with me about their miscarriages and loss. Many friends have offered their help in anyway - from bringing food over, watching the kids, to taking Keira to dance rehearsals next week. Can't thank them enough.  Many women have gone thru this and still have that sense of loss and can recall the hurt, even from 30 yrs ago.  Some suffered one loss, some suffered 3, some suffered with more physical problems than just the miscarriage, but we all share the same hurts.  Thursday, my sweet mother-in-love took me to pre-register for my surgery and the anethesiologist (spelling??) came and talked to me.  She must have felt really at ease with us as she began to open up about her 3 miscarriages and having a d&c.  Tears came to her eyes, which got me to almost crying.  She said it is something that is not discussed or dealt with by women and it is just crappy to endure.  She was trying to comfort me and reassure me that everything will be fine.  Before she left, she gave me and my mother-in-love hugs.  It has been amazing at how many women go through this experience.

I have blessed in so many ways this week and I must focus on that.   Psalm 18:19  He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me , because He delighted in me.

Another loss

We are experiencing our 2nd loss of a baby.  I miscarried in January and have now lost our 2nd baby.  That was one of the worst feelings in my life when I looked at the ultrasound and saw no heartbeat.  I thought I was 8-9 wks along on our second ultrasound, but the baby was only measuring at 6 wks.  The dr. said we could wait another week and we both wanted to wait.  We could not go ahead with a d&c without being 100% certain that this baby was gone.  So, we waited another week and on Monday we did another ultrasound and no heartbeat and that baby had stopped growing.  I was just heartbroken.  A part of me went in expecting to see a heartbeat and a part of me knew that this was the end.  I know and believe God could have changed this outcome, but obviously this was not His plan.  I looked at Brandon when the ultrasound tech left and all I could say was, "I can't believe this is happening again."  We talked to the dr. and decided to do the d&c, scheduled a week away, b/c I wanted to go to Keira's little art show at school and we have dance , etc.  But, I wish I had gone ahead and had it done yesterday morning, instead of waiting a week.  We told the kids the baby has gone to heaven, they are fine, as kids just have that way about them.  They have asked questions the past couple days, like "why did you lose the baby", etc.  The only answer I can give them is that God said it was time for that baby to go to heaven.  They want to know if we will see that baby and yes, we will one day.  Keira asked me last night if God was going to give us back the baby.  I had to tell her "No."  I go from being ok to just wanting to cry my eyes out.  If I was able to run, I think I would run until I just couldn't anymore.  At times, I want to hit something, scream, or just crawl in bed and not get out.  I don't know how I would have responded if I was not already blessed with Keira and Brock, it would be easy to become depressed. But, thankfully I know and trust that this is God's plan, not mine.  I trust that He will get glory out of our loss.  I don't understand it and never will this side of eternity.  I do praise Him for allowing me to have the opportunity to have these 2 other babies, if only for a short time.  Even though I feel like a piece of my heart has been taken, I can rejoice knowing they are with Jesus and as my sweet hubby prayed as we got in the car, after leaving the dr. that they will never suffer, never experience anything but joy, no tears, no hurt, no suffering in this world.  Brandon prayed exactly how we both feel, even though I could hardly get words out at that time due to crying. 
I do realize people go thru much more suffering than we are currently and my thoughts always go to my friends who have lost children of their own, not thru a miscarriage, but actually having that child in your life and that blessing goes on to heaven.  Doesn't matter if they were 3 months old, or in their 20's, I only have experienced a glimpse of what parents go thru in that type of loss. My heart goes to them.
My hurts will heal with time and I hope other women who experience a miscarriage can find comfort, hope, peace, and love in Jesus.