January 21, 2011

First of all, I am not writing this for sympathy or any responses. I wanted to write on this subject in case someone else experiences this and stumbles upon my blog, maybe I can help you in some way, maybe not. On January 21, I suffered a miscarriage. I have never went from such an extreme high to such a low in my life. I was the type who had previously thought that a miscarriage would not be that emotional or painful, especially in the first trimester. I was wrong! It happened early Friday morning and I knew I had lost the baby. I called the dr. as soon as they opened that mornng. I carried on about my day, just numb, absolutely numb, not wanting to believe that I had lost a baby just a few hours ago. I had no major issues with my other 2 babies and never imagined this would happen to me. I knew it was possible, but just thought it really would not happen to me. I dropped Brock off at the grandparents house, as it was my morning to volunteer at Keira's school. I put on my best face for those kids and my dr. called and wanted me to come in and do bloodwork. So, that afternoon I went. I was told I would have to come back Monday and do more. I did not like the waiting part - I wanted an answer right then. Deep down, I knew the answer. Friday evening we had planned a girls outing to dinner and a movie with Keira, while Brock attended the monster truck show with daddy and papaw. Again, I put on my best face and went along for my Keira. This was her night and she was so excited, as much as I just wanted to stay home and cry, I couldn't. My sweet hubby did not give up hope all weekend and even on Sunday baby names were mentioned. He was talking about putting the house on the market this spring and how I will need a mini-van, etc. Bless him! He was so happy about #3 and then it turned to sadness. I went back Monday and she told me I had lost it. I did my best not to break down in the lab. I had Brock with me, and did not want to explain why I was crying. I held it together. All weekend I tried my best not to break down, I tend to internalize things, especially something on this level. Don't get me worng, I was crying, but never just let it all out crying. I felt so empty inside, like a part of me was missing. Friday afternoon, I told God how sorry I was because back in Dec. I had said I did not want anymore kids, but when I found out I was preggo, I was thrilled. I did want this baby. I never asked why this happened, I know God is in control and His will is being done. I just felt so guilty for ever saying those words. My heart broke. Even though I will never know this child this side of eternity, I will get to meet him or her one day. Once you experience this loss, you don't want anyone else to have to go thru it. I spent the following week just down and out, not wanting to go anywhere, just sad. It is okay to grieve for that baby, no matter how far along you were. One thing I recommend is to talk to other women, especially if you have friends who have gone thru this before. They are a tremendous help. I have a friend who lost her 3 month old, and he was also a twin, and she had lost his twin early on. I told her I cannot imagine what she felt and experienced losing her 3 month old, I only got a glimpse of what she has had to deal with. I did not broadcast the miscarriage, only family and close friends knew. Someone told me to blog about it, and at first I thought no, to private for me to share with the world. But, then I thought if I could help someone else out, why hold back. I just want you to know it is okay to be sad, to be down, to grieve. My sweet friend told me I should not feel guilty for saying I did not want another baby back in dec. that was just Satan trying to get to me and use that against me. She was right! Some people will say things like, "Well, at least it was early on" or "You can try again", and so on. They mean well, but not exactly what you want to hear, because you wanted THAT baby, not another one. Just say your sorry and love that person, that will do them more than anything. It is hard to respond to those statements, or it was for me. If you are a Christian, you believe and hold onto your faith in Jesus, that this happened for a reason and God will get glory somehow, someway. If you are not a Christian, I encourage you to look at Scripture in the Bible and turn to the one and only Holy God. Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Psalms 18 :16-19 He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But the Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me. How awesome is that? God will rescue us, b/c he delights in us. No matter what trial or "storm" you are in in life, please know that Jesus can rescue you and set you free from that and all sin in your life. He has done this for me. And I can honestly say I would have sank into a depression after this miscarriage, given my personality and being an introvert. Only b/c I have been saved from my sinful nature is this possible. This doesn't mean the road is easy once you are saved, in any area of life, but you will have a Redeemer on your side. I have had my moments since I miscarried, when something is said or I see a pregnant woman and so on, that reminds me of my loss and I think about what could have been...............but I also have my Jesus, which surpasses any loss in this world. I will see my baby again, but for now he or she is with Jesus and praising Him.